The fear to be alone & to be in touch with your feelings

Categories: Inner work, PsychologyBy Published On: 19 December 20226 min read

‘I’m not feeling well if I’m alone’

I recently spoke to a woman in a store and I told her that I organize retreats. And that people are meant to go within and therefore also seek silence. She immediately said: “Ahhh that’s not for me, because as soon as I’m alone in silence, I’m going to cry. That is why I always make sure that I am busy and have distractions, haha.”

I told her that it’s actually liberating to sit down with that sadness and go through it. Because after that, it feels so much lighter! And I really understand how scary that can feel, because I was also very good at avoiding my emotions.

The protection-mechanisms of the ego

You can see our ego as our attachment to everything that we are essentially not. Everything you identify with, such as your roles, titles, personality traits, money, status, ideas and beliefs. It is the mechanism that keeps you separate from the rest as an ‘I’ (which is not always wrong, because we do need an I-feeling here on earth).

The ego’s role is to try to protect itself (and that’s not surprising, since we carry many memories of insecurity and pain in our DNA). So the ego wants to maintain whatever it currently identifies with. This manifests itself in a lot of thinking, analysing, wanting to keep control, judging and comparing.

Identification with the ego gets in the way of the connection with the soul

Once you become completely absorbed in the attachment and identification with the things I mentioned above, then you no longer feel the connection with your soul, your essence. Our essence experiences overview, trust and unconditional love. While our ego acts out of separation and fear.

So because of the old memories stored in your system, the ego reacts from a wound. It continuously tries to hold you back when you want to try something new, or when you want to open up to your soul and feelings. It has built a kind of bunker in which you have to stay. Safe in your comfort zone.

Why our ego can interfere with the soul-connection

Your ego doesn’t want you to go to your feelings at all! Your ego wants to be in control. Especially if you’ve been living from your head for a long time. As soon as you go within, or sit in silence, you create space. Space within yourself. A space in which the ego (your thoughts) is no longer in constant control.

You, as it were, distance yourself from your thinking and make contact with who you really are. And did you think that your ego would just agree to that? Not really! He will try in all sorts of ways to get you to stop.

By constantly bombarding you with all kinds of thoughts, such as: What a nonsense is this, I better stop”, “I can’t do this, way too vague”, or you suddenly start thinking about all the things you still have to do. Or you suddenly feel a huge resistance or unrest and want to flee. Do you recognize it?

The ego is afraid of ‘death’. As I just said, you’ve come to identify with all sorts of things that aren’t actually you. On the path of the soul you can detach yourself from, for example, beliefs or fears that limit you in your life.

You may suddenly begin to see through your fearful thoughts and realize that they are not true. This means that your ego loses its grip on this. To the ego this feels like dying.

Another example is that you let go of your attachment to your appearance or status or break through certain patterns. This is also a kind of “mourning” for your ego. While deep down, on a soul level, it is incredibly liberating and expanding! Your ego does not experience it that way.

The fear for who we truly are

In short: we are afraid of that silence. We are afraid of who we really are. For who we really are cannot cling to anything and doesn’t search for control. Our soul is peaceful, still and flowing and wants to continuously create and gain new experiences.

Because what if you’re completely okay in the silence, with yourself, close to your feelings? That gives a very deep feeling of happiness. For me, being your own best friend is the foundation in my life.

This also has a positive effect on your relationships, because you no longer ‘need’ something from someone else, but are okay with yourself. The relationships in your life will then automatically become more balanced and harmonious.

Of course we also encounter emotions that we had hidden away, but we don’t have to run away from this. They come up because they are allowed to be seen and purified, otherwise they will continue to affect you.

So it is actually your own soul that brings up this old energy when you are in silence with yourself. Like: ‘Well, you can first feel and look at this emotion/fear/belief from love, and then you will feel a stronger connection with your essence.’

If we actually dare to be with what can be felt, and don’t fight it, then a great burden falls off your shoulders. Then you will notice that it was not so scary at all. Then you feel an incredibly deep sense of relief and enlightenment.

Because if you keep running away from yourself, you will continue to experience a feeling of unrest in the background and you will miss the deep contact with your essence. In the end you will suffer much more from that!

Everyone knows these moments of flow

Deep down you know how good it feels to be with yourself and to end up in a flow. Those moments when the stories in your head fade into the background and the personality is not in the foreground.

For example, while listening to music that touches you deeply. Or completely immerse yourself in your passion. Or a beautiful synchronicity of events in your life. Then you are in the flow and you are in the moment. In these moments there is no fear at all.

But often when we consciously seek silence or try to sink into our feelings, the ego gets involved.

We may learn to see through the ego. We don’t have to fight it, because then it will only get stronger. Think of it as a separate part of your mind that lives in fear. The more you see it for what it is and don’t fight it, the more the ego can work for you, instead of against you.

Guidance on this path

If you are looking for someone to guide you through this process, please feel free to contact me to explore if/how I can help you further! I have also developed a course that can help you with fear and blockages and how to transform them. More information can be found via the button below. At this moment this course is only in Dutch language, but will be in English language soon.

Besides that, you can come to me for a private- or small-scale group retreat in Sweden, where we work together on those themes. Go to my menu to find more information about the retreats!