People-pleasing, over-giving and making sure others are ‘okay’, can be something deeply ingrained in your system. It’s like an unconscious program that runs on autopilot. From a young age, especially if you’re highly sensitive, you’ve likely learned to constantly sense others, picking up on all the details, energies, and emotions around you. Sometimes, we subconsciously start believing that we are responsible for the emotions and energy of others because we can feel them. After all, if we can feel it, surely we must do something about it, right?
Many of us have incarnated with parents who, when they held us as babies, were still carrying a lot of unresolved pain. Feelings of insecurity, inner coldness, trauma, fear… As a small child, still energetically connected to your parents, you could feel this very clearly. Even as you grew up, there were likely moments where you could sense that your parents weren’t in a good place, even if they didn’t show it or weren’t aware of it themselves.
When parents are not fully connected to their own soul and emotions, often because they are carrying unresolved pain, they can’t fully connect with you as a baby or child either, even if they raised you with love. Here are some examples of how people-pleasing and always taking care of others might have developed from this:
- Sensing Your Parents’ Struggles
As a child, you felt your parents’ pain or struggles, and because you could feel it, you took on the responsibility to help. You may have tried to carry their pain or lift their spirits. There may even be a deep imprint from a specific situation. Perhaps something intense happened to one of your parents, and you could deeply feel their pain or fear. This might have been a shock for you, and in that moment, you may have unconsciously decided to fully devote yourself to helping your parents (whether energetically or otherwise) because you felt their pain so profoundly. Of course, it wasn’t just family situations that could have impacted you. Your entire environment, including friends, may have influenced you in similar ways. - Seeking Safety
On a deeper level, you sought safety as a child. When your parents, who should provide a stable foundation, were internally unstable, it likely gave you a sense of unsafety. Moreover, you weren’t taught what true inner safety felt like, so you might have thought that you needed to help others become safe before you could feel safe and secure yourself. - Searching for Love and Recognition
As a baby and child, you craved love and recognition, essential for your soul to fully land in your body. If your parents couldn’t fully see you for who you truly were, it hurt. Unconsciously, you may have developed behaviors, like people-pleasing, to gain the love and recognition you needed. For example, if you were always helpful and calm, you might have received praise from your parents, leading you to think, “Ah! If I behave this way, I am loved, and I am safe.” This then becomes a deeply embedded program. - Insecurity
Deep themes of insecurity may also be at play. Perhaps this insecurity or a sense of unworthiness is stored in your soul’s memories or runs through your family line. Unconsciously, you might develop behaviors to prove that you are okay. For instance, always being available for others might make you feel like you have worth and that you belong. There may also be a deep-rooted belief that you are not worthy of receiving, which results in constant giving without receiving much in return. Energy mirrors energy—if you believe you’re not worthy of receiving, your environment will reflect that back to you, leaving you drained. - Survival Instinct
It’s deeply ingrained in our consciousness that we feel safe in a group. In a tribe, everyone protected each other, providing safety in numbers. Pleasing others might be a form of survival mechanism—by pleasing, you gain recognition and acceptance, which in turn creates a sense of safety: “As long as I’m always there for others, I am safe.” - Soul Mission
Many of you came to Earth with the mission to help and create change. It’s a beautiful soul quality to want to care for others, help heal them, and offer support. This can certainly be part of your soul mission, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The key question is: from what energy are you giving right now? Is it coming from a place of inner wholeness, where your cup is full, allowing you to give without depleting yourself? Or are you giving from a place of inner woundedness?
There’s nothing wrong with giving. In fact, it’s a beautiful soul quality and a sign of high consciousness to be focused on giving. From a soul perspective, we are here on Earth to offer something, to share our gifts with others. Many of you have also taken on the responsibility of helping to heal trauma within your family line. However, in the examples above, you may have noticed that there can be a “wounded” energy behind this giving. If that inner wound is at play when you give, you will always end up feeling drained and disappointed.
Ask yourself this: when I give to others or when I please people, what am I unconsciously hoping to receive in return?
If the answer is that you are hoping deep down to be seen and appreciated, or you feel that you should carry the wounds of others in order to help them heal or feel safe, then you already know that there is a wound present. When you give from this wound and try to please or help others, disappointment often follows. This is because everything and everyone around you is unconsciously helping you grow. When people reject you or don’t give as much as you do, you interpret it as “See? I’m not good enough.” This mirrors the inner belief that you already held, now brought into the light.
And even if you do get appreciation for your pleasing or over-giving, it will eventually create an inner feeling of emptiness. Somehow you feel that something is off and not balanced and that you’re feeling drained. Because you need to nourish yourself first.
Instead of sinking into disappointment and frustration, you have a beautiful opportunity to transform inwardly. Ask yourself: what wound is being triggered in me? Close your eyes and feel what is happening in your body. Explore whether any images, words, or memories arise. You may uncover a moment when deep insecurity took root, or you might remember a time in childhood when you felt deep unsafety as you witnessed your parents’ struggles.
Ask yourself what you need to heal this theme, and commit to filling your own cup before you give to others. Become aware of when you’re slipping back into people-pleasing behaviors, constantly giving and giving. When you notice it happening, take a step back, smile to yourself, and say: “Ah, I see myself falling into this old pattern again. Interesting! But now I know that I deserve more love/recognition/attention from myself, and I choose to fill myself up first.”
By developing a strong relationship with yourself and truly learning to love yourself, you will find that the need to please others begins to fade. You will have built a strong inner foundation and feel safe within yourself.
Do you want guidance during your process? Then take a look at my page about a 1-on-1 online trajectory, a private or small-scale group retreat in magical Sweden or try out one of my other meditations or courses.
Here you can find the links:
– Grounding and aligning meditation-activation (free)
– Online trajectory
– Private retreat in Sweden
– Small-scale group retreat in Sweden
– Courses and meditations page
